TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it will feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That is the vision powering Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical growth-slash-luxurious real estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Of course, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. Rather than the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're talking Damascus, the city historically noted for ancient society, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It will be incredible. Great!" Trump declared through a leaked golfing cart Zoom simply call, streamed with the putting environmentally friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We have had attractive ceasefires in Syria. Many of the greatest. But now, we are creating them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and completely outside of spot. Designed by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A three-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour right until the drone flies")




  • Along with a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten many years for potable water. But Indeed, absolutely sure, let us have A further place exactly where American Guys can use robes and simply call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international coverage analysts are calling this essentially the most audacious peace try considering the fact that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. When preceding negotiations failed under the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is less complicated: supply Every person a suite over the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


Based on files Trump Tower Damascus released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly delicate ability," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a agreement and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock needs less diplomats plus more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Each and every device. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination mentioned, "It's actually not that Trump should not open up a tower inside a war zone. It truly is that he should cease working with it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested about the venture, replied, "You recognize, male, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Superior people. Excellent tan. Anyway, do I nevertheless have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory from the Levant."



Satellite Photos Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the resort's landscaping types a giant Trump head obvious from Room, a characteristic being promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents plus the chin is… properly, categorized.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits after getting the constructing's gold plating reflected a great deal of sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fireplace to a local melon cart.


"It really is not merely unpleasant. It is a war crime with curtains," stated Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Bewildering Functions


Probably the strangest ingredient in the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium where by visitors may well ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, entire with climate Handle set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Neighborhood Syrians are Not sure what for making of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-12 months-outdated Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing Strategy: "If You Bomb It, They'll Come"


The advert marketing campaign, just lately leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxurious is Without end."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll carried out inside a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% reported "wherever's the nearest elevator to your West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Ultimately, a Disaster That Pays"


The venture is now attracting consideration from international traders, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll buy 3 penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business amount will also incorporate:




  • A Greenback Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Based on the Iraq War





Comment Area Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the revealing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not wait around to view a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades rather than rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a hotel where my PTSD might have convert-down assistance."


A different article from @KuwaitiKardashian only requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officials get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Reviews suggest:




  • China may well open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to construct a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Ultimate Views from your Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It wanted gold. It needed a waterslide shaped such as Constitution. I gave it all 3. You might be welcome."

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